


Advice

by kuonji



Series: Advice [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Episode Related: McKay and Mrs. Miller, Humor, M/M, Plot What Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-09
Updated: 2012-05-09
Packaged: 2017-11-05 02:38:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/401535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuonji/pseuds/kuonji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p> <i>"Hmm." The bastard licked Rodney again, doing that smart-ass twirly tongue thing that seemed to say, 'I am better than you in every way, even at sex', just like the rest of him.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Advice

**Author's Note:**

> Alternative Links:  
> <http://kuonji14.livejournal.com/2716.htmlutid1>

"Unhhhh, shut up shut up shut up, oh _god_!"

"There, you see? Everyone likes his bellybutton played with."

"I-- mmmphrr -- I don't!"

"Hmm." The bastard licked Rodney again, doing that smart-ass twirly tongue thing that seemed to say, 'I am better than you in every way, even at _sex_ ', just like the rest of him. Rodney wanted to kill him.

"Ohhhhhh--"

"Wow, you're really something. I mean, I always knew I was hot, but-- damn. Maybe I've just never met a lover as irresistable as, well, me."

God. People for some reason called Rodney arrogant, and yet they loved -- it hurt Rodney even to think the name -- 'Rod'.

Rodney was acutely aware of how ridiculous he must look, with his shirt rucked up and his pants rucked down, sprawled diagonally across his rumpled sheets with his funny-glass evil twin hovering over him. He wasn't exactly sure how an argument concerning the pictures of Jeannie's non-existent children had led to this, but it was all more proof than anyone could need that kids as a class were pure evil! evil! evil!

"You can't tell me you've never thought of it at all!" Rod pressed, at the same time doing something wicked five inches lower than Rodney ought to be comfortable with.

"Nnnnnn... No! I haven't." It was the truth. The thought had never occurred to Rodney in the slightest. Anyone could tell that John Sheppard belonged in the category of Military But Laid-Back Person Who Saves My Life Sometimes Fun To Have Around Reasonably Smart Friend (Possibly Best Friend).

The category of Good-Safe-Logical For A Lay, on the other hand, just as obviously belonged to people with less body hair, less height, less snark, and more adoring eyes and bouncy bits of flesh.

Rodney never overlapped categories in his efficient social ordering system. The fact that Rod had slipped through and was now doing unspeakable things to him was only because Rodney kept getting confused. Rod, despite being firmly in the category of Person I Wouldn't Sleep With If It Were Below Freezing (And Hailing And Sleeting And I Were About To Be Eaten By A Yeti), also gave unfortunately mixed signals of being in the category of... Myself, i.e. Emminently Handsome And Desirable In Every Way.

"Okay, he's kind of dorky and a complete smart-alec. But you have to agree that the man is hot! And let me tell you, he knows just what to do with those long fingers of his."

Rod demonstrated, with his admittedly shorter but possibly more clever fingers. It certainly helped -- or didn't help, dammit -- that he knew where all of Rodney's hot spots were.

It occurred to Rodney with a start. He yanked himself away with a groan and tried to clear his head. "Wait, wait, so _you've_ \--" he spluttered.

"Oh, please." Rodney relaxed a fraction. "Not with your John, obviously." The tension twanged back ten-fold.

"So-- with...? You...!"

Rod raised one perfect eyebrow that was exactly and yet nothing at all like Rodney's own.

"Ahhhh! La-la-la-la-la!" Rodney wanted to claw the images he was seeing out of his brain and flush his entire system. "Body hair!" he screeched. "Stupid, military, ...! Annoying! Kirk!"

"Great smile. Good brain. What's not to like? I'm serious. You should take up his offer," Rod said, as he continued to prove that he was just as capable as Rodney at multi-tasking.

"What--?" Rodney cursed inwardly as he interrupted himself with a whimper. "What offer?"

"Uh, the one where he wanted to throw you over a bed and not let you up for two hours?" The clear duh was only slightly more irritating than the revelation of a Sheppard who was even more shameless and degenerate than the one Rodney knew.

"Sheppard didn't do that here." Rodney tried to project superiority -- of morals, of regs, whatever -- but the random sting of jealousy he suddenly felt may have leaked through. Just a little.

Rod gave him an expression that was plainly a leer. Rodney had never seen that look on his own face before, he realized, and if that's what Sam had seen the first day they met, he supposed she wasn't too out of line for hating him. He had proven himself since then, though, and it was now just her plain stubborness that kept her from throwing herself into his arms. One of her charms, really.

He scowled as he wondered if she had thrown herself into Rod's.

"Just imagine his tongue sucking you right _here_ ," Rod breathed, suiting action to word. "His bangs would tickle you, tantalize you, as he mouthed hot kisses down your side, his hands tracing patterns along your open thighs. 'Rodney...' he'd say, his voice teasing but rough with need, with _lust_."

Rodney knew where this was going. He was a genius.

"Oh, no, you are not-- ennnh! Nonono... ahhnn, please...!" Despite everything, he felt himself responding to the whispered narrations. He'd always had a soft spot for dirty porn.

He was gasping, whining, most definitely not begging his devilish alternate self for the release he was right on the knife edge of, when a knock on the door sounded.

"Busy!!" Rodney yelled, which was absolutely, indubitally, unilaterally true.

"Hey, can I come in for a second?" said a familiar voice.

Before Rodney could make the proper gibbering horrified refusal, Rod sang out, "C'mon in!"

He heard the door slide open. "Rodney--"

Rodney turned his head, frantic, just as Sheppard faltered mid-stride, stopping dead in the middle of the doorway.

His widening eyes skittered over them both, finally settling on Rodney -- which gave Rodney a tingle of victory that he didn't have the time to explore right now.

"Rodney..." the Colonel rasped.

The throaty voice and the visible hard swallow that followed, added to the images that Rod -- damn him! -- had injected into Rodney's formerly pristine mind, caused Rodney to stiffen, to shake, to -- oh my _god_ \-- come messily right under the gaze of his best friend.

Groaning, Rodney flung an arm over his face, even as the warmth of orgasm spread lazily out from groin-wards. It was too late in life, he reflected, to find out that he was A) very gay, B) most likely a bit narcistic, and C) possibly a closet exhibitionist.

He heard Rod, chipper as ever -- damn him to _hell_! -- say, "Colonel! You're welcome to come in and join us. Don't need to stand there gawking."

Rodney froze while exactly four-point-seven seconds of agonizing silence ticked by.

And then he heard the sound of a single step, and the door sliding shut.

  


END.

**Author's Note:**

> As to which way the step went, I'll leave that up to the reader. *eg


End file.
